Top 100 Chuck Norris Jokes In The Universe! - Chuck Norris Jokes 24/7

Top 100 Chuck Norris Jokes


Current Rating: 3.95

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - backwards.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.77

A few guys tried to follow Chuck Norris during a light workout while he was vacationing in Hawaii. It's now called the Ironman Triathlon.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.68

Chuck Norris carved Mount Rushmore. With his feet.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.64

Chuck Norris once shot a 33 on a 36-hole golf course.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.61

Chuck Norris sells his urine...Of course we all know it as Red Bull.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.6

The world's fastest car has 7 gears. 5, 6, and Chuck Norris.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.59

Chuck Norris can stick a CD up his ass and burn data onto it

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.58

There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris' computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.58

Chuck Norris can split the atom. With his bare hands.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.58

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.57

Chuck Norris is the only person to count to infinity... twice.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.57

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9% of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100% of whatever the hell he wants.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.55

There are now five cup sizes at Starbucks: Short, Tall, Grande, Venti, and Chuck Norris.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.53

Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with barbed wire.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.53

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.52

Chuck Norris can read lips- with his eyes closed.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.52

The 'Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse' are more accurately: Chuck Norris' right hand, left hand, right foot, and left foot.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.5

Chuck Norris doesn't breathe, he holds air hostage.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.5

Chuck Norris DOESN'T love Raymond.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.48

Chuck Norris once leaned on the Tower of Pisa...

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.47

CNN was originally the Chuck Norris Network but Chuck was so awesome when people watched it there heads exploded!

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.46

Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.46

Chuck Norris successfully separated twins conjoined at the head by roundhouse kicking them in the face.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.46

Chuck Norris taught the creator of the piano how to play it.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.46

Bigfoot often tries to take pictures of Chuck Norris.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.46

Chuck Norris once played rugby by himself. He went undefeated.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.46

Chuck Norris once masturbated in a junk yard.

Nine months later Optimus Prime was born.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.45

When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.45

Moses didn't separate the red sea, Chuck Norris did.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.45

Chuck Norris can sit in the shade...in an open field.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.45

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.45

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a f*cking Indian.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.44

The only man Google can't find is Chuck Norris.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.43

Elvis never died, he just owes Chuck Norris Money!

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.42

When Chuck Norris is ready to wake up, he tells the sun to get the above the horizon.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.41

On the seventh day of creation the Lord asked Chuck Norris if he could take a break

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.41

If you are stuck on a test and you don't know the answer to a question, write in Chuck Norris. The answer is always Chuck Norris.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.41

Chuck Norris climbed Mt. Everest barefoot - carrying two Sherpas on his back.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.41

No matter what your mother always said, Chuck Norris can tune a fish.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.41

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.4

Saddam Hussein was not found hiding in a "hole." Saddam was roundhouse-kicked in the head by Chuck Norris in Kansas, which sent him through the earth, stopping just short of the surface of Iraq.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.4

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail, his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather, roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.39

Life is not, in fact, like a box of chocolates. It is more like a box of Chuck Norris, roundhouse kicking you in the face. And if you receive a box of Chuck Norris, you ALWAYS know what you are going to get.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.39

It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.38

Viagra and Cialis are made from Chuck Norris' DNA.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.38

Chuck Norris doesn't mow his lawn. He doesn't have to. He dares it to grow.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.38

Chuck Norris is the only man ever to beat Medusa at a staring contest

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.38

Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up its own poop because Chuck Norris doesn't take shit from anyone.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.37

Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another Chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.37

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.37

Chuck Norris' body temperature is 98.6 degrees... Celsius.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.37

People created the automobile to escape from Chuck Norris... Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris created the automobile accident.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.37

Chuck Norris make onions CRY!!!

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.36

For most people, home is where the heart is. For Chuck Norris, home is where he stores his collection of human skulls.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.36

Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.36

Chuck Norris qualified with a top speed of 324 mph at the Daytona 500, without a car.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.36

Chuck Norris can clog the toilet with his pee.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.35

In Desert Storm the reason why the Iraqi army surrendered so quickly was because they heard Chuck Norris was coming.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.35

Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.35

You can lead a horse to water but cannot make him drink, unless you're Chuck Norris

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.34

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.34

Staring at Chuck Norris for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindness, and possibly foot sized bruises on the face.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.33

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.33

Chuck Norris can kick through all 6 degrees of separation, hitting anyone, anywhere, in the face, at any time.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.32

On the set of Walker Texas Ranger Chuck Norris brought a dying lamb back to life by nuzzling it with his beard. As the onlookers gathered, the lamb sprang to life. Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked it, killing it instantly. This was just to prove that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.32

Chuck Norris doesn't shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.32

Chuck Norris can cut diamonds using his thumb.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.31

Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.31

Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.31

Chuck Norris invented the spoon because killing people with knives was too easy.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.31

Chuck Norris went to a confessional and the priest started confessing his own sins.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.31

When chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.3

Chuck Norris is the only person ever to beat a concrete wall in a game of tennis.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.3

Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.3

Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football - in that order.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.29

When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.29

Maslow's theory of higher needs does not apply to Chuck Norris. He only has two needs: killing people and finding people to kill.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.29

Chuck Norris has more friends on Facebook than there are people in the world.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.29

When Arnold says the line "I'll be back" in the first Terminator movie it is implied that is he going to ask Chuck Norris for help.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.28

Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.28

When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.28

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.27

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.27

Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because "The Sum of All Fears" is the name of Chuck Norris' autobiography.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.27

Chuck Norris once got into a fight with a one-armed Ninja. Seeing that he had an unfair advantage, Chuck Norris ripped both of his arms off and one of his legs. He then roundhouse-kicked the ninja in the head, killing him instantly, and proceeded to sow his limbs back on using only a rusty tent spike and bailing wire.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.27

Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.27

Q: How many Chuck Norris' does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None, Chuck Norris prefers to kill in the dark.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.27

Death once had a near Chuck Norris experience

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.27

Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.27

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.26

Chuck Norris is so bad he makes viruses sick. As such, Chuck Norris is also responsible for the eradication of smallpox.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.26

One time Jackie Chan fought Chuck Norris, he got a round house kick to the face - now they call him Chucky Chan

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.26

In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.26

When Chuck Norris was born, the doctors had to call the bomb squad

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.26

When J. Robert Oppenheimer said "I am become death, the destroyer Of worlds", He was not referring to the atomic bomb. He was referring to the Chuck Norris Halloween costume he was wearing.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.26

Chuck Norris does not know about this website. If he did he would have just deleted the internet.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.26

Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.26

Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.25

Chuck Norris played 18 holes of golf and scored a 17.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Current Rating: 3.25

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Rate This Top 100 Chuck Norris Joke
5 4 3 2 1



Chuck Norris Jokes Home
Chuck Norris Joke of the Day
Funny Chuck Norris Jokes
Best Chuck Norris Jokes
Random Chuck Norris Jokes
New Chuck Norris Jokes
Submit Chuck Norris Jokes