Top 100 Chuck Norris Jokes In The Universe! - Chuck Norris Jokes 24/7

Top 100 Chuck Norris Jokes


Current Rating: 3.94

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - backwards.

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Current Rating: 3.78

Viagra and Cialis are made from Chuck Norris' DNA.

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Current Rating: 3.76

A few guys tried to follow Chuck Norris during a light workout while he was vacationing in Hawaii. It's now called the Ironman Triathlon.

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Current Rating: 3.75

Chuck Norris once shot a 33 on a 36-hole golf course.

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Current Rating: 3.71

The only man Google can't find is Chuck Norris.

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Current Rating: 3.68

Chuck Norris sells his urine...Of course we all know it as Red Bull.

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Current Rating: 3.62

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

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Current Rating: 3.61

Chuck Norris can stick a CD up his ass and burn data onto it

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Current Rating: 3.6

When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.

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Current Rating: 3.59

Chuck Norris can sit in the shade...in an open field.

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Current Rating: 3.58

Chuck Norris carved Mount Rushmore. With his feet.

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Current Rating: 3.58

Chuck Norris doesn't mow his lawn. He doesn't have to. He dares it to grow.

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Current Rating: 3.55

Bigfoot often tries to take pictures of Chuck Norris.

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Current Rating: 3.55

The 'Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse' are more accurately: Chuck Norris' right hand, left hand, right foot, and left foot.

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Current Rating: 3.55

Chuck Norris taught the creator of the piano how to play it.

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Current Rating: 3.54

Chuck Norris doesn't breathe, he holds air hostage.

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Current Rating: 3.52

Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up its own poop because Chuck Norris doesn't take shit from anyone.

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Current Rating: 3.52

There are now five cup sizes at Starbucks: Short, Tall, Grande, Venti, and Chuck Norris.

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Current Rating: 3.51

Chuck Norris invented the spoon because killing people with knives was too easy.

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Current Rating: 3.5

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9% of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100% of whatever the hell he wants.

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Current Rating: 3.5

Death once had a near Chuck Norris experience

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Current Rating: 3.49

Chuck Norris can split the atom. With his bare hands.

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Current Rating: 3.48

There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris' computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

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Current Rating: 3.48

Chuck Norris DOESN'T love Raymond.

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Current Rating: 3.47

Elvis never died, he just owes Chuck Norris Money!

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Current Rating: 3.47

If you are stuck on a test and you don't know the answer to a question, write in Chuck Norris. The answer is always Chuck Norris.

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Current Rating: 3.47

Chuck Norris can read lips- with his eyes closed.

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Current Rating: 3.46

Chuck Norris can clog the toilet with his pee.

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Current Rating: 3.45

The world's fastest car has 7 gears. 5, 6, and Chuck Norris.

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Current Rating: 3.45

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.

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Current Rating: 3.44

Saddam Hussein was not found hiding in a "hole." Saddam was roundhouse-kicked in the head by Chuck Norris in Kansas, which sent him through the earth, stopping just short of the surface of Iraq.

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Current Rating: 3.44

Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.

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Current Rating: 3.43

Chuck Norris once leaned on the Tower of Pisa...

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Current Rating: 3.42

Chuck Norris is the only person to count to infinity... twice.

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Current Rating: 3.42

On the seventh day of creation the Lord asked Chuck Norris if he could take a break

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Current Rating: 3.42

Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.

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Current Rating: 3.41

Chuck Norris is the only person ever to beat a concrete wall in a game of tennis.

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Current Rating: 3.4

Chuck Norris once masturbated in a junk yard.

Nine months later Optimus Prime was born.

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Current Rating: 3.39

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

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Current Rating: 3.39

Chuck Norris make onions CRY!!!

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Current Rating: 3.39

Chuck Norris climbed Mt. Everest barefoot - carrying two Sherpas on his back.

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Current Rating: 3.38

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

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Current Rating: 3.38

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

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Current Rating: 3.37

In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.

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Current Rating: 3.36

Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with barbed wire.

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Current Rating: 3.36

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a f*cking Indian.

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Current Rating: 3.35

Chuck Norris successfully separated twins conjoined at the head by roundhouse kicking them in the face.

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Current Rating: 3.35

Chuck Norris once made a crippled man run away.

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Current Rating: 3.35

Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another Chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.

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Current Rating: 3.35

Chuck Norris does not know about this website. If he did he would have just deleted the internet.

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Current Rating: 3.34

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

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Current Rating: 3.34

Staring at Chuck Norris for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindness, and possibly foot sized bruises on the face.

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Current Rating: 3.33

Chuck Norris has more friends on Facebook than there are people in the world.

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Current Rating: 3.33

Chuck Norris doesn't shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

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Current Rating: 3.32

Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because "The Sum of All Fears" is the name of Chuck Norris' autobiography.

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Current Rating: 3.32

Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.

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Current Rating: 3.32

Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.

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Current Rating: 3.31

For most people, home is where the heart is. For Chuck Norris, home is where he stores his collection of human skulls.

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Current Rating: 3.31

Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

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Current Rating: 3.31

Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.

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Current Rating: 3.31

Chuck Norris once played rugby by himself. He went undefeated.

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Current Rating: 3.3

No matter what your mother always said, Chuck Norris can tune a fish.

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Current Rating: 3.3

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

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Current Rating: 3.3

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

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Current Rating: 3.3

Chuck Norris' credit cards have no limit. Last weekend, he maxed them out.

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Current Rating: 3.29

Chuck Norris qualified with a top speed of 324 mph at the Daytona 500, without a car.

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Current Rating: 3.29

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

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Current Rating: 3.29

When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.

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Current Rating: 3.29

There is no such thing as a lesbian, just a woman who has never met Chuck Norris.

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Current Rating: 3.29

Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football - in that order.

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Current Rating: 3.29

Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.

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Current Rating: 3.29

When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

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Current Rating: 3.28

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

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Current Rating: 3.28

Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

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Current Rating: 3.28

Moses didn't separate the red sea, Chuck Norris did.

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Current Rating: 3.28

When chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.

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Current Rating: 3.27

Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.

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Current Rating: 3.27

It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.

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Current Rating: 3.27

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.

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Current Rating: 3.27

Chuck Norris catches the bus one handed.

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Current Rating: 3.27

Chuck Norris once got into a fight with a one-armed Ninja. Seeing that he had an unfair advantage, Chuck Norris ripped both of his arms off and one of his legs. He then roundhouse-kicked the ninja in the head, killing him instantly, and proceeded to sow his limbs back on using only a rusty tent spike and bailing wire.

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Current Rating: 3.26

Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

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Current Rating: 3.26

Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes.

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Current Rating: 3.26

Life is not, in fact, like a box of chocolates. It is more like a box of Chuck Norris, roundhouse kicking you in the face. And if you receive a box of Chuck Norris, you ALWAYS know what you are going to get.

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Current Rating: 3.26

Kenny G is allowed to live because Chuck Norris doesn't kill women.

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Current Rating: 3.25

Chuck Norris does not play the lottery. It doesn't have nearly enough balls.

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Current Rating: 3.25

When Arnold says the line "I'll be back" in the first Terminator movie it is implied that is he going to ask Chuck Norris for help.

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Current Rating: 3.25

Chuck Norris once crawled through the desert, for miles, with an erection. His trail is called the Grand Canyon.

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Current Rating: 3.25

Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.

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Current Rating: 3.24

On the set of Walker Texas Ranger Chuck Norris brought a dying lamb back to life by nuzzling it with his beard. As the onlookers gathered, the lamb sprang to life. Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked it, killing it instantly. This was just to prove that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

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Current Rating: 3.24

Chuck Norris doesn't sign contracts.. nothing binds Chuck Norris

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Current Rating: 3.24

Chuck Norris once roundhouse-kicked a ten dollar bill into 200 nickels.

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Current Rating: 3.24

The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.

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Current Rating: 3.24

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail, his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather, roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

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Current Rating: 3.24

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

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Current Rating: 3.24

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

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Current Rating: 3.24

Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.

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Current Rating: 3.24

Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

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Current Rating: 3.24

Jean-Claude Van Damme once kicked Chuck Norris' ass. He was then awakened from his dream by a roundhouse kick to the face.

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Current Rating: 3.24

Chuck Norris' body temperature is 98.6 degrees... Celsius.

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